The Monkey Mind: My Struggle With Anxiety and Letting Go

A few years ago, I suffered from severe anxiety. Although I might have appeared to be my usual buoyant self, it was eating away inside me. When the anxiety finally subsided, I found myself in a rut of depression. I never really spoke to anyone about these mental health issues. However, I was lucky that running, parkrun and a strong network of friends and family (most of which were unaware of the state of my mental health) got me through the worst of it. Even today, I still have days where I feel depressed, worthless and unable to evade a negative mindset. 

The first time I experienced an anxiety attack was in 2012. My life was consumed in the writing of my PhD thesis, also pressured by project collaborators to produce detailed auditable datasets and having to respond to publication deadlines. This was indeed a stressful time, but I managed to just get through each day. Then stress levels were taken to the whole new level to manifest into severe anxiety when I started to run out of money as my scholarship had finished and a relationship had broken down. The synergistic effect of these factors sent me into an anxiety black hole. I didn’t sleep for three whole days because I became obsessed with work. Every second that I spent not working filled me with guilt. My anxiety worsened as my work productivity became rapidly impeded due to intense sleep deprivation. Luckily, a friend had noticed that I was suffering and took me out for food. I saw a doctor and was prescribed sleeping pills to help me get back into a regular sleeping routine again. I was granted a 3-month extension which allowed me to get back on top of work. I managed to submit my thesis in January 2013 and immediately secured work which alleviated some of my stresses. 

If we fast forward 9 months, I had just returned from Canada and I had just 3 months to complete my thesis revisions. Following my experiences with anxiety I struggled to even look at my work, let alone work through the extensive list of revisions. In addition, the results from my research in Canada had a new light and my supervisor wanted it to be written up for Nature journal. If you are not aware, Nature is probably the most prestigious journal for a scientist to publish their work. The impending deadline for thesis corrections and a deadline for Nature submission started to send me back down the road to severe anxiety. I followed a similar trajectory as the first bout of anxiety resulting in me acquiring another course of sleeping pills. I felt very alone, consumed by negativity and a feeling of self-worthlessness, I wanted it to end. I also started to drink heavily whilst on these sleeping pills (even though the doctor was clear NOT to consume alcohol whilst on the course of these pills). However, when you are stuck in the abyss of anxiety/depression you lose a rational way of thinking. I started to spend erratically on my credit card and I lost any concern about my physical health. I wanted it to end and eventually, my mind was shrouded with dark thoughts of ending myself. I cannot recall how I initially climbed out of the rut, but I discovered running as a means of controlling stress and anxiety. After this experience, I decided to walk away from my scientific career. 

The root of my anxiety was derived from perfectionism. Basically, the work standards that I had set myself were not achievable this impeded work and creates anxiety. To summarise, perfectionism is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, perfectionism motivates people to give their best. On the other, perfectionism makes people despair and doubt themselves. Moreover, perfectionism is associated with various psychological problems such as stress, anxiety and depression. If you ever research ‘perfectionism’ you are often directed to a novel called ‘Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance’ by Robert Pirsig. In this novel, Robert Pirsig describes “the old South Indian Monkey Trap”. The trap “consists of a hollowed-out coconut, chained to a stake. The coconut has some rice inside which can be grabbed through a small hole”. The monkey’s hand fits through the hole, but his clenched fist can’t fit back out. Tempted by the rice, the monkey reaches in, grabs a handful of rice and is suddenly trapped. He is not able to see that it is his own fist that traps him. He rigidly holds on to the rice, because he values it. He cannot let go and regain his freedom. Perfectionists are a little like this, getting trapped by their own habits with an inability to let go or see past them. Perfectionists need to rethink their own values and decide whether they are going to continue to be trapped by these values or free themselves. 

Although some of these experiences still come back to haunt from time to time, I have managed to rebuild myself and just completed my teacher training. However, there were times that my perfectionist mindset got caught up into lesson planning, but you realise that not all lessons that teach will be great. In addition, I am now a mental health champion for England Athletics with the goal to help and support people through difficult times. If you have any specific questions then please comment or send me a private message.

REMEMBER TO STRIVE FOR PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!

The yo-yo-ing weight story

Just a bit of a background of myself.  I have probably spent most of adult life obese with a BMI greater than 30.  Since moving away from home to go to university 8 years prior I lived a quite an unhealthy lifestyle which resulted in obesity.

In the summer of 2010 at the age of 26, I weighed approximately 110 kg.   I didn’t think much of it until I was on a night out with some friends.  One of my friends who is in the military poked me in my belly and said, “you need to sort that out.”   That message became embedded into my head and the next day, I entered the Conwy half marathon.   The race was 4 or 5 months ahead and during that time I did not drink, any alcohol even touched a takeaway and avoided all sugary foods.  By the time of the Conwy half, I had dropped several waist sizes and a whopping 20 kg and managed to complete the course in 1hr47.  The following year, I have completed my first ever marathon (Snowdonia) in 4hrs.

Fast forward to 2012, I was thick in the writing up my PhD thesis.  My funding had finished and because I was technically still in full-time education I was not entitled to any benefits support.  Despite some short-term income I was living on fresh air and reliant on support from my parents.  My mental wellbeing was plummeting which rapidly and was completely consumed with severe anxiety.  The anxiety would often prevent from sleeping for consecutive days.  The cause of the anxiety was the impending deadline of my write up.  Anxiety also impedes any form of rational thinking and I began to slip into an unhealthy style of regularly drinking sugary energy drinks, eating convenience food and heavy drinking.  Over the number of months, I started to put on the weight and ended up back to near my pre-2010 weight.

Recently, I was diagnosed with dyslexia, dyspraxia and mild ADHD (this is another story) but these make me a prime candidate for someone who suffers from anxiety.

In 2013, I was lucky enough to get a science research job overseas (all expenses paid).  I worked long hours and thought very little about getting back into a healthy lifestyle until after I returned to the UK and was introduced into parkrun.   In November 2013, I completed my first parkrun in 31 minutes.   This was the catalyst to get back into training to better my time each week.  I wrote a blog piece on my parkrun progress http://markcoop84.blogspot.com/2014/02/parkrun-time-improvements.html

I also starting to lose weight at a healthy rate of 2lb per week (see link for more details http://markcoop84.blogspot.com/2014/02/getting-slimmer.html )

Then this was all put on hold when I went overseas again to carry out more scientific research but this sandwiched a personal challenge of completing 10 half marathons within a calendar year with the final half being Conwy half (where it initially started) in a PB of 98 minutes.  I had also become quite savvy with my healthy eating particularly after reading Tim Ferris – 4-hour body.  I followed a slow carb diet which resulted in further weight loss without any obvious muscle wastage to approximately 77 kg.  see this blog post http://markcoop84.blogspot.com/2015/07/weight-loss-story-first-draft.html 

The following year, I ran a half marathon PB in Exeter just on the wrong side of sub-90.  I entered NSRRA and eventually finished as runner-up in a very competitive group.  I also ran three marathons that year including running a PB in Snowdonia.  The following year, I began training for London.  The training plan took my fitness levels increased to a whole new level running a new parkrun PB in 19:07.  Unfortunately, my marathon training became hindered when I work longer and more obscure hours.  I also, I went to my best mates wedding in Australia and on my return, a nasty chest infection meant that my London marathon dream had to be shelved until the next year.   I was a bit distraught and never really got back into serious regular training or competitive in NSRRA.  The following year I was still working in obscure hours in Manchester so rarely got into regular training routine although I managed to avoid slipping back into bad diet habits.  The following year, despite being undercooked in training, I ran the London marathon.  I loved the whole London experience, and this convinced me to change my job and move back to Stoke-On-Trent on a permanent basis.   I was started to up my training and bag PBs at both 5k and 10k distance and ultimately winning my NSRRA group on the final race of the season.

This now brings me to my current situation.  In the last months, I have completed my teacher training which has consumed all my time.  During term time, I was regularly working more 80 hrs per week which meant that my running has been put back on the back burner.  I also, unfortunately, slipped back onto unhealthy dietary habits resulting in a gain of three stone. 

I have set myself the target of dropping this recent weight gain and improve my fitness levels to run another parkrun PB.   I know this is going to be a challenge but the outcome will be well worth it.