The Monkey Mind: My Struggle With Anxiety and Letting Go

A few years ago, I suffered from severe anxiety. Although I might have appeared to be my usual buoyant self, it was eating away inside me. When the anxiety finally subsided, I found myself in a rut of depression. I never really spoke to anyone about these mental health issues. However, I was lucky that running, parkrun and a strong network of friends and family (most of which were unaware of the state of my mental health) got me through the worst of it. Even today, I still have days where I feel depressed, worthless and unable to evade a negative mindset. 

The first time I experienced an anxiety attack was in 2012. My life was consumed in the writing of my PhD thesis, also pressured by project collaborators to produce detailed auditable datasets and having to respond to publication deadlines. This was indeed a stressful time, but I managed to just get through each day. Then stress levels were taken to the whole new level to manifest into severe anxiety when I started to run out of money as my scholarship had finished and a relationship had broken down. The synergistic effect of these factors sent me into an anxiety black hole. I didn’t sleep for three whole days because I became obsessed with work. Every second that I spent not working filled me with guilt. My anxiety worsened as my work productivity became rapidly impeded due to intense sleep deprivation. Luckily, a friend had noticed that I was suffering and took me out for food. I saw a doctor and was prescribed sleeping pills to help me get back into a regular sleeping routine again. I was granted a 3-month extension which allowed me to get back on top of work. I managed to submit my thesis in January 2013 and immediately secured work which alleviated some of my stresses. 

If we fast forward 9 months, I had just returned from Canada and I had just 3 months to complete my thesis revisions. Following my experiences with anxiety I struggled to even look at my work, let alone work through the extensive list of revisions. In addition, the results from my research in Canada had a new light and my supervisor wanted it to be written up for Nature journal. If you are not aware, Nature is probably the most prestigious journal for a scientist to publish their work. The impending deadline for thesis corrections and a deadline for Nature submission started to send me back down the road to severe anxiety. I followed a similar trajectory as the first bout of anxiety resulting in me acquiring another course of sleeping pills. I felt very alone, consumed by negativity and a feeling of self-worthlessness, I wanted it to end. I also started to drink heavily whilst on these sleeping pills (even though the doctor was clear NOT to consume alcohol whilst on the course of these pills). However, when you are stuck in the abyss of anxiety/depression you lose a rational way of thinking. I started to spend erratically on my credit card and I lost any concern about my physical health. I wanted it to end and eventually, my mind was shrouded with dark thoughts of ending myself. I cannot recall how I initially climbed out of the rut, but I discovered running as a means of controlling stress and anxiety. After this experience, I decided to walk away from my scientific career. 

The root of my anxiety was derived from perfectionism. Basically, the work standards that I had set myself were not achievable this impeded work and creates anxiety. To summarise, perfectionism is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, perfectionism motivates people to give their best. On the other, perfectionism makes people despair and doubt themselves. Moreover, perfectionism is associated with various psychological problems such as stress, anxiety and depression. If you ever research ‘perfectionism’ you are often directed to a novel called ‘Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance’ by Robert Pirsig. In this novel, Robert Pirsig describes “the old South Indian Monkey Trap”. The trap “consists of a hollowed-out coconut, chained to a stake. The coconut has some rice inside which can be grabbed through a small hole”. The monkey’s hand fits through the hole, but his clenched fist can’t fit back out. Tempted by the rice, the monkey reaches in, grabs a handful of rice and is suddenly trapped. He is not able to see that it is his own fist that traps him. He rigidly holds on to the rice, because he values it. He cannot let go and regain his freedom. Perfectionists are a little like this, getting trapped by their own habits with an inability to let go or see past them. Perfectionists need to rethink their own values and decide whether they are going to continue to be trapped by these values or free themselves. 

Although some of these experiences still come back to haunt from time to time, I have managed to rebuild myself and just completed my teacher training. However, there were times that my perfectionist mindset got caught up into lesson planning, but you realise that not all lessons that teach will be great. In addition, I am now a mental health champion for England Athletics with the goal to help and support people through difficult times. If you have any specific questions then please comment or send me a private message.

REMEMBER TO STRIVE FOR PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!